


Jennifer's Choice

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode: s05e09 Tracker, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-25
Updated: 2008-09-25
Packaged: 2018-03-22 02:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3711739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I have to know...your intentions," she settles on even though it sounds terribly old-fashioned to her ears. At his confused look, she adds, "Toward Rodney."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jennifer's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> Tag to Tracker. Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta!

"Come on, Rodney. Let's let Celise rest a bit," John says moving his head towards the door to signal them to go.

"But I still—" Rodney waves the handheld console around.

"I think Celise is _happy_ with what she's got," John says, smiling at the girl. Then he turns back to Rodney, his eyes narrowing. "Isn't that _mine_?"

Rodney blanches. "Uhm. It was for a _good cause_ ," he says quickly.

John glares at him, snatches the game away, and gives Rodney a little push away from the bed.

"Hey," he protests, but John grabs his sleeve and drags him out, smiling apologetically at Jennifer.

She's watched the whole exchange and returns John's smile, but it's forced and she looks away before John removes his hand from Rodney's arm and turns to Celise instead.

~~

She hesitates before finally chiming John's office door and entering.

When he sees her, he straightens. "Everything all right with our patient?"

She can feel his worry and quickly smiles. "Celise is fine."

He relaxes a bit, but then tenses again, looking at her. Oh yes, this is why she didn't want to do this in the first place. But she has to.

He's still waiting for her to say why she's come but the words don't seem to form in her mind. This is even harder than she though it would be.

"I want to ask you something," she finally manages.

His expression changes to 'Go ahead', even though she can see that he's still tense. Maybe he suspects why she's here.

"I have to know...your intentions," she settles on even though it sounds terribly old-fashioned to her ears. At his confused look, she adds, "Toward Rodney."

She knows she's hit her mark when his expression turns to shock before shutting down. "Excuse me?" he asks, forcefully polite.

It isn't as if she really expects him to just admit it. "John," she says patiently. "I won't _tell_ anyone." He sits up in his chair rigidly, and for a moment she fears he might jump out of it, but she presses on. "I know that you can't be open about it, but I have to—"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he interrupts her stiffly, and she'd laugh if laughing wasn't the furthest thing from her mind.

"The look on your face when I told you Rodney was joining me for the mission...didn't leave much to the imagination." She's not unkind when she says it, but maybe a bit of bitterness creeps into her voice. She's only human after all.

John looks away. She can see the wheels turning in his head. Eventually he looks up again. "I have nothing to say to you."

"So, you're not going to tell him," she insists. "Ever." Because that's really it.

She won't fight John for Rodney.

Not only because he's so obviously, _painfully_ in love with Rodney when her own feelings are still vague, unformed, but she also doesn't want to contemplate her chances. Not just now—because she could live with Rodney choosing John over her—but later when they're together, when Rodney has become more than just a good friend with the potential for more. She doesn't want the fear of John admitting his feelings hanging over her head. She knows, no matter what, no matter how long they'll have been together at that point, there is a good chance she'll lose Rodney to John then.

John watches her. The frown on his face is as pronounced as his posture, every muscle in his body tense. "Rodney is my _teammate_ ," he says and adds almost as an afterthought, "and my best friend."

"But he could be more," she says. He evades her gaze. She's not getting through to him. "He told me he loved me."

This does get a reaction. He looks at her, shocked and hurt, before his face once again transforms into the stoic mask. "You shouldn't tell me this."

"It was when he was infected, when he said goodbye."

"Which makes it even _more_ private. There's no reason to tell me. He wouldn't want me to know. And I don't want... I don't need to hear it."

"Did he tell you he loved you? When he said goodbye." She has to know because she's been wondering ever since she had to witness Rodney becoming more and more focused on John so shortly after confessing his love for her.

John's jaw clenches. "This is... What happened between us is none of your business. Just as what happened between the two of you is none of mine. Whatever it is you're thinking...forget it. If you...care about Rodney, ask him out. There's no reason for you to ask me for permission or whatever it is you're doing."

She swallows to stop herself from shouting at him that he knows perfectly well what she's doing. Instead she calmly says, "You _know_ what I'm asking of you."

This finally makes him snap. "He told you he _loved_ you. What _more_ do you want?" he says angrily.

"What I _want_ is to believe that he _meant_ it," she says, then adds more quietly, "What I want is to know that he really loves _me_."

John looks away and out of the window.

"That he loves me more than you," she finishes, finally putting it into words.

John doesn't react, but she doesn't leave, stands her ground until he turns to her again. "He'll choose _you_ ," he says, and she can't see any doubt in his eyes.

This is as far as she'll get with him. She knows that and nods, before turning around to leave.

"Doc?" he calls when she's at the door. She turns back to him. "Jennifer," he forces himself to say, and she suddenly resents this situation not because of her relationship with Rodney, but because of her relationship with John, which could have been relaxed, maybe even friendly. "Good luck."

It takes a moment for her to process the words. When she does, she has to bite her lip, because the urge to say 'Are you for _real_?' is so strong.

She doesn't understand this man at all. He wishes her good luck as a man on death row would wish his executioner. Maybe he doesn't _want_ to be happy. The thought is disconcerting in more ways than one. Maybe he simply believes in fraternization rules, that teammates shouldn't get romantically involved. But she cannot for the life of her see how Rodney could possibly mean more to him than he already does. If he believed his emotional attachment was a problem, it would be far too late.

Maybe he honestly doesn't believe that Rodney could return his feelings. If it is that, she wishes he could share his conviction with her, because it's the one reason, the _real_ reason why she's here at all. Rodney doesn't exactly hide his interest in her. He's already told her he loved her. The fact that John loves him would be unfortunate, but no reason for her not to pursue a relationship with Rodney.

She's here because she has a recording in which Rodney _tells_ her he loves her, but it's followed by Rodney showing again and again that whom he _needs_ and _wants_ is John. She's here because whenever the situation is dire, whenever Rodney is afraid or sad, he unfailingly turns to John. She's here because when she sees them walking down the hall together, it's as if they're in their own little world that nobody could ever enter.

She _wishes_ Rodney was in love with her. She doesn't _need_ a man in her life, but it gets lonely in the Pegasus Galaxy, and Rodney is smart and funny and occasionally sweet, and to have him care for her, come home to her, and sweep her away from the real world for a few hours would be something she'd welcome, something she could grow to love.

But between her and that future stands the man before her. John has done nothing to discourage her, quite the opposite, and yet she doesn't feel any more sure about Rodney's feelings than before.

She suddenly realizes that nothing John could have said would have changed that nagging doubt she feels. She believes John when he says that Rodney will choose _her_. But she doesn't think she'll ever be able to trust that choice. Because as much as she wants to believe she and Rodney have a chance for a future together, when she closes her eyes and thinks of Rodney, she doesn't see his declaration of love. It's just a desperate "John" echoing in her mind over and over and over.

She _hasn't_ come for encouragement or even absolution. She has come for a reason not to pursue a relationship with Rodney.

However, John has denied her that, so she'll have to make that decision herself. She has to weigh her feelings and Rodney's, the great potential they have against what she could lose if Rodney ever realized what he could have with John—and her fear of that moment before it actually happened.

John wished her good luck, but she knows that it's not with Rodney, can't be that. So she chooses it to mean good luck with making the right decision.

"Thank you," she says and turns again. He doesn't stop her this time.

By the time the door closes, she has made her choice.


End file.
